misunderstanding | (no subject)

You are perfectly fine at them, you just mess it up when you remember that you're too hung up on your principles to actually be in one.

[Dee huffs, not surprised at the turn this takes. Same old, even with a drunk Ryo.]

People like us? People like what? Tell me what you think we're like, Ryo.

You're -

[ ugh, this isn't where he meant for the conversation to go, but the words come blurted much more easily than they ever do when he's sober. ]

You're you, Dee. [ if anything, here, ryo sounds kind of defensive. exasperated. he has no self-esteem problems, mind; he likes himself very much, but the juxtaposition of the two of them just feels so impossible, even if it keeps happening. ] You're gonna end up with someone like Diana, not me. Excuse me for - for keeping the future in mind.

[ that doesn't make any sense, but he doesn't care. he's drinking that glass of water as defiantly as possible. ]

Wait a minute.

[He can't even wrap his mind around that and he's doing what he can to keep his heart out of it, because that doubt it painful. Painful, because he feels for Ryo, who can't trust that he is loved.

Painful, because what else is he supposed to do? What else can he say?]

Is this about me being bi?

What?

[ for a second, ryo completely doesn't seem to understand where dee made that leap in logic -- before he flusters and shakes his head. ]

No, I meant - ugh, I'm never getting drunk again, making words is hard, Dee -

[ he should've went home. why didn't he go home, again? ]

I meant that she's - I don't know how to say it. She's -- cool.

[ not that ryo thinks himself uncool. he just can't seem to figure out what the source of any longstanding affection from dee might actually be. ]

Edited 2016-07-02 17:36 (UTC)

Look, Ryo.

[Drunk and no self-esteem and he has no idea how to break through that. Keep things simple, he supposes.

He reaches out to cup Ryo's face, turning his head so he can catch his eyes. Leaning forward so they are close, making sure he has his attention.]

I only want to be with you.

[Plain simple English, bold and straight-forward, utterly honest as ever. Dee never holds back.]

[ this is all so strange and so much more overwhelming than it is when he's sober. all he can see or smell right now is dee, and that fact is both incredibly alarming and comforting at the same time. ]

Mmh.

[ but it's too much. his iron willpower just isn't there right now. cautiously, he kisses him, the gesture uncertain but the press of his mouth firm. ]

[Alright.

Al-fucking-right.

He knows he shouldn't, but he's only a man and he's weak. He can't help it. All he wants and that sound and then a kiss and, yes, he kisses back.

Can he really be blamed?

Probably yes. Especially by Ryo come morning and definitely by himself too. So while once he might have enthusiastically read into this and been all over him, he knows better now and so their kiss ends and Dee rests his forehead against Ryo's shoulder.]

Damn it, Ryo.

Sorry.

[ because he's drunk, not entirely stupid; he knows that he's the king of mixed signals here, and he knows that he really, really needs to sort out his relationship with dee before one of them gets seriously hurt.

it's just a daunting task.

so he sighs, dragging his fingers back up to the back of dee's head again, stroking them through his hair. ]

I'm sorry. [ repeated. and then, a quiet admission: ] I really want you, too.

Good to know.

[Is it? At this point he isn't even sure of that. Dee is used to being confident to the point of being full of himself, but in many ways Ryo had knocked him back from that. Mixed signals is an understatement and even as he enjoy the fingers in his hair, he doesn't want to push for more, however gently.

He knows it would have to come down to an ultimatum eventually, there's only so much of this he can handle.]

I dunno if you do though. Don't know if you want anything 'really'.

But I do.

[ ryo shuts his eyes, sounding frustrated -- but all of the frustration is aimed at himself right now. his circumstances, too... not dee, for once. he exhales hard. ]

Want to be a good dad for Bikky. Want to be a good cop. And I want you to stay with me. I want all of that. I've never had this much before, Dee.

[ and he's so grateful for it, but so worried of losing it all at the same time. ]

Nobody can take Bikky from you. You are a good dad. You're a good cop. You're the best damn partner I've ever had, the best damn partner I could wish for.

[He's aware of Ryo not being perfect, not at any of these things, but that is just it, isn't it? They are better together than alone. They help balance out each other's shortcomings. They have done this from the very start.]

I'd walk through fire for you, partner. You ain't getting rid of me no matter what.

Even if you don't want me.

[ god. he really, intensely wishes that he weren't drunk for this. what had been diana's plan, anyway? what, exactly, had she been expecting to accomplish by sending him over here drunk like this?

he really wants some water, and maybe something to eat, and definitely a long nap. instead, he's just going to stare at dee, still struggling visibly for a moment, before he says softly: ]

I'm sorry if I ever make you think I don't want you.

But you don't, Ryo.

[Look, it's his pride at stake and he can admit this. He covers Ryo's mouth with his hand before he can protest, elaborating.]

Look, I know you like me and sometimes you like the idea, especially when you're letting your guard down for whatever reason and of course you want my body, I mean, who doesn't?

[He lets go of Ryo's mouth in favour of flexing with a cocky grin, but then his arms drop and he looks serious.]

You don't wanna take me on for real. And I dunno if you'll ever want to.

It's not that I don't- unngh. [ turns out that he's embarrassed for a multitude of reasons here. one, he's embarrassed for not being able to articulate what he wants to say. secondly, he's a little ashamed at how deeply his own indecision seems to have affected dee. ]

You just try to go so fast, I feel like if I give an inch you'll just- you'll just take the whole freaking mile.

[ he draws a careful breath. ]

We could do- we could try a movie. If you promise you can behave.

Oh yeah. So fast.

[He'll admit, yeah, at the beginning. Although that is still a bit much coming from the man who adopted the first kid he met on the first day of work and who let Dee and said kid sleep in his bed.

Mixed signals from the start, even when Dee was going too fast.

Now it's been years. Frustrating years. Fast? Snail's pace.]

I can behave.

[Behave like himself.]

But can you still admit to wanting to try a movie when you're sober?

[ ryo rakes his fingers through his hair, sinking a little into the couch and looking for all the world like someone who is completely lost. right - this was why diana had sent him over here. she was pretty aware of the fact that he was emotionally constipated. she'd been hoping he'd make a confession like this, hadn't she? ohhh he was going to kill her.

he shuts his eyes, exhaling hard through his nose. ]

I don't know. Maybe? God, Dee, you just- you don't get it. You can't understand. Every time you just- sometimes you really look at me, and I get- it's scary, because maybe nobody else has ever seen me before. Not like you do. Maybe I'll stop seeing myself, too. Maybe I won't recognize myself anymore. Do you get it?

['I get that you're drunk and make absolutely no sense whatsoever and instead sound mildly insane.' probably wasn't what Ryo needed to hear right now, so Dee didn't say it, instead he leaned back to look at Ryo and to try and make sense of what he was saying.]

I think you stopped seeing yourself a good while ago, because whoever you keep talking about doesn't sound much like the you I know.

Maybe you should stop hiding who you are. Got that?

[ ryo looks away, strangely humiliated now. dee's answer is enough to prompt him to ask the most honest thing he's said all night. ]

What do I do if I don't like who I've turned into?

Ain't gonna happen. I got great taste, don't ya know that?

[Dee watches Ryo, but doesn't reach out just yet, because he knows this has gotten intense and is far more than Ryo bargained for by now.]

I love who you are.

[ ryo isn't sure why, exactly, there are tears in his eyes, but there are. it's not that he's upset- if anything, there's a sweeping sense of a feeling strangely like relief. he wipes at his eyes with the back of his arm, shrugging in a way that's almost conceding. ]

Okay. I trust you, Dee.

[It's too good to be true and it doesn't feel real. Ryo is drunk and Dee expects a change of tune once he's sober. But in spite of that, for now, he wraps his arms around him. Hand in his hair, combing through it. He notes the wetness in his eyes and leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth.]

You're my partner, Ryo. Means I take care of you. Your hear too.

It's a- partnership, Dee. I'm supposed to take care of you, too.

[ but he's too bone-tired to resist, and he sags into dee's arm, into the embrace. carefully, he kisses him back, a drunken clumsiness very much apparent. he wonders what his parents would think, if they would be disappointed - but why would they be? they had loved him unconditionally.

it had all been ripped away from him so quickly, the sort of love he'd never thought he'd find again. he shifts slightly, pressing a little harder into the kiss, suddenly resolved. ]

I'll keep you safe. I promise.

You do take care of me.

[He might have said more, but then there's kissing happening and by this point he is done resisting. What happens tomorrow will happen and for now he has the man he loves in his arms and has him saying all the right things. His resolve is stronger than he gives himself credit for, but it definitely isn't strong enough for this.]

I know. I'm safe with you.

[ he's tired, beyond tired, and he's more than aware of the fact that he's going to be too embarrassed to even look at dee in the face in the morning. this, right now, though? he kind of feels like it's worth it.

right at this moment, at least, it feels like it's worth it. ]

- say you love me again. One last time.

There won't ever be a last time for that, Ryo. Not as long as I can breathe.

[Perhaps a dramatic statement, but it's a true one and he means it. He always means what he says. He always feels it. And so he doesn't hesitate with saying it now either.]

I love you.