misunderstanding | (no subject)

But I do.

[ ryo shuts his eyes, sounding frustrated -- but all of the frustration is aimed at himself right now. his circumstances, too... not dee, for once. he exhales hard. ]

Want to be a good dad for Bikky. Want to be a good cop. And I want you to stay with me. I want all of that. I've never had this much before, Dee.

[ and he's so grateful for it, but so worried of losing it all at the same time. ]

Nobody can take Bikky from you. You are a good dad. You're a good cop. You're the best damn partner I've ever had, the best damn partner I could wish for.

[He's aware of Ryo not being perfect, not at any of these things, but that is just it, isn't it? They are better together than alone. They help balance out each other's shortcomings. They have done this from the very start.]

I'd walk through fire for you, partner. You ain't getting rid of me no matter what.

Even if you don't want me.

[ god. he really, intensely wishes that he weren't drunk for this. what had been diana's plan, anyway? what, exactly, had she been expecting to accomplish by sending him over here drunk like this?

he really wants some water, and maybe something to eat, and definitely a long nap. instead, he's just going to stare at dee, still struggling visibly for a moment, before he says softly: ]

I'm sorry if I ever make you think I don't want you.

But you don't, Ryo.

[Look, it's his pride at stake and he can admit this. He covers Ryo's mouth with his hand before he can protest, elaborating.]

Look, I know you like me and sometimes you like the idea, especially when you're letting your guard down for whatever reason and of course you want my body, I mean, who doesn't?

[He lets go of Ryo's mouth in favour of flexing with a cocky grin, but then his arms drop and he looks serious.]

You don't wanna take me on for real. And I dunno if you'll ever want to.

It's not that I don't- unngh. [ turns out that he's embarrassed for a multitude of reasons here. one, he's embarrassed for not being able to articulate what he wants to say. secondly, he's a little ashamed at how deeply his own indecision seems to have affected dee. ]

You just try to go so fast, I feel like if I give an inch you'll just- you'll just take the whole freaking mile.

[ he draws a careful breath. ]

We could do- we could try a movie. If you promise you can behave.

Oh yeah. So fast.

[He'll admit, yeah, at the beginning. Although that is still a bit much coming from the man who adopted the first kid he met on the first day of work and who let Dee and said kid sleep in his bed.

Mixed signals from the start, even when Dee was going too fast.

Now it's been years. Frustrating years. Fast? Snail's pace.]

I can behave.

[Behave like himself.]

But can you still admit to wanting to try a movie when you're sober?

[ ryo rakes his fingers through his hair, sinking a little into the couch and looking for all the world like someone who is completely lost. right - this was why diana had sent him over here. she was pretty aware of the fact that he was emotionally constipated. she'd been hoping he'd make a confession like this, hadn't she? ohhh he was going to kill her.

he shuts his eyes, exhaling hard through his nose. ]

I don't know. Maybe? God, Dee, you just- you don't get it. You can't understand. Every time you just- sometimes you really look at me, and I get- it's scary, because maybe nobody else has ever seen me before. Not like you do. Maybe I'll stop seeing myself, too. Maybe I won't recognize myself anymore. Do you get it?

['I get that you're drunk and make absolutely no sense whatsoever and instead sound mildly insane.' probably wasn't what Ryo needed to hear right now, so Dee didn't say it, instead he leaned back to look at Ryo and to try and make sense of what he was saying.]

I think you stopped seeing yourself a good while ago, because whoever you keep talking about doesn't sound much like the you I know.

Maybe you should stop hiding who you are. Got that?

[ ryo looks away, strangely humiliated now. dee's answer is enough to prompt him to ask the most honest thing he's said all night. ]

What do I do if I don't like who I've turned into?

Ain't gonna happen. I got great taste, don't ya know that?

[Dee watches Ryo, but doesn't reach out just yet, because he knows this has gotten intense and is far more than Ryo bargained for by now.]

I love who you are.

[ ryo isn't sure why, exactly, there are tears in his eyes, but there are. it's not that he's upset- if anything, there's a sweeping sense of a feeling strangely like relief. he wipes at his eyes with the back of his arm, shrugging in a way that's almost conceding. ]

Okay. I trust you, Dee.

[It's too good to be true and it doesn't feel real. Ryo is drunk and Dee expects a change of tune once he's sober. But in spite of that, for now, he wraps his arms around him. Hand in his hair, combing through it. He notes the wetness in his eyes and leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth.]

You're my partner, Ryo. Means I take care of you. Your hear too.

It's a- partnership, Dee. I'm supposed to take care of you, too.

[ but he's too bone-tired to resist, and he sags into dee's arm, into the embrace. carefully, he kisses him back, a drunken clumsiness very much apparent. he wonders what his parents would think, if they would be disappointed - but why would they be? they had loved him unconditionally.

it had all been ripped away from him so quickly, the sort of love he'd never thought he'd find again. he shifts slightly, pressing a little harder into the kiss, suddenly resolved. ]

I'll keep you safe. I promise.

You do take care of me.

[He might have said more, but then there's kissing happening and by this point he is done resisting. What happens tomorrow will happen and for now he has the man he loves in his arms and has him saying all the right things. His resolve is stronger than he gives himself credit for, but it definitely isn't strong enough for this.]

I know. I'm safe with you.

[ he's tired, beyond tired, and he's more than aware of the fact that he's going to be too embarrassed to even look at dee in the face in the morning. this, right now, though? he kind of feels like it's worth it.

right at this moment, at least, it feels like it's worth it. ]

- say you love me again. One last time.

There won't ever be a last time for that, Ryo. Not as long as I can breathe.

[Perhaps a dramatic statement, but it's a true one and he means it. He always means what he says. He always feels it. And so he doesn't hesitate with saying it now either.]

I love you.

I meant- tonight. The last time tonight. I meant- I wouldn't ask you again.

[ ryo is flushed, but very much pleased at the response. part of him wants to say it, too, but the rest of him is very much aware- if he does say it, it doesn't need to be when he's drunk. ]

Trying to say "thanks," I guess. I like, um- dammit. I like hearing it.

No need to ask. Ain't gonna stop saying it, tonight or ever.

[Dee finds himself playing with Ryo's hair, quieting down, since it is obvious just how tired his partner is at this point. He dips his head to whisper into Ryo's ear, confessing his love once more. Twice. Three times.]

Sleep well, Ryo.

[ for some reason that he can't quite pinpoint, the way it's whispered into his ear sends a little, content thrill right into the pit of his stomach. he swallows hard, nodding once. sure. he'd nap here, on the couch, wrapped up with dee like this, just for a little while, because there was definitely nothing wrong with that, right?

which is why, when dee wakes the next morning, he'll definitely be alone. coffee will be burbling in the kitchen and waiting on him (and honestly, ryo really wanted a cup of it himself before he tried to muster the effort to make the trip back to his place to shower the smell of the bar off of him), but he doesn't leave a message. he had wanted to, but - honestly?

he hadn't been able to think of something to say.

ryo will be at his desk in his station the next morning, coffee and water both on the desktop, looking just a little worse for wear. ]

[The real sadness doesn't hit when he notices that Ryo isn't there. It only really hits when he realises that he hasn't expected him to be. That's not a nice thought to contemplate before work and when he actually gets there and sees Ryo at the desk, he turns back around to head to the bathroom. He doesn't actually have any reason to be there, so he just checks on his hair and admires himself a little, which is a welcome boost in self-esteem today.

Finally he manages to actually make his way to his own desk, tossing his jacket onto the chair and still undecided on how to actually handle this.]

Morning.

Morning, Dee.

[ welp, ryo hadn't been wrong: he's trying his best to seem chipper, or at least normal, and he's failing utterly. looking at his partner is proving to be a task much harder than he'd anticipated, and he ends up thumbing through some paperwork instead, waiting to make sure that the others are out of earshot before continuing. ]

Sorry about making you babysit me last night. I think I overindulged slightly.

Were really drunk, yeah.

[This dance is already getting old, he knows the steps to well. So he ends up with his elbows on the desk, chin in hands, staring right at Ryo just to see how long he'll avoid even looking in his direction. Missing out, after spending all that extra time in the bathroom, his hair game is definitely on point today.]

Slept well?

[ ryo does finally glance up his way, and then flusters slightly - because dee's hair game really is on point, and the way he's staring right at him makes his stomach flip in a way that he can't decide comes from the hangover or not.

briefly, he seems incredibly uncertain, and then, quietly: ]

Yeah, I did. Thanks.

No need to thank me. With that alcohol intake, you'd have probably slept well on a park bench too.

[Oh, why does Ryo have to be so difficult to read, especially in that respect? Because all signs point to yes, all signs point to love and here he is. Alone and unloved.]

So what are you doing for your actual birthday?

I'm not sure yet. Nothing involving alcohol, for sure.

[ ryo glances down again, trying to ignore the ache in his head. he's incredibly uncomfortable right now, but trying not to show it. trying to power through, if anything. ]

Maybe we could do that movie?